سارة هنناني

We are merely on page 12 of 2020 yet I had knocked out a few times already. It has been a tough term for me as I was admitted last Monday and literally spent the whole week in the hospital. I should have had warded longer but I had to sit for my final paper examination on Friday. Thank God Dr Tee let me discharged earlier because I was still recovering and I didn’t look fit enough to go home.

Being sick makes me realized that health is indeed one of the greatest blessings in life that even money can’t buy. I had been hospitalized due to severe rashes that turned out to be a bacterial infection by then. My whole body was literally red and itchy. I wasn’t admitted due to Influenza A as what some of my friends thought.

I couldn't sleep on the first night because it was too uncomfortable and painful for me. I felt really sick inside and shivering for no reasons because the skin couldn't do its job well. I only managed to feel better after antibiotics injection was given to me. I had three antibiotics injection in 6 hours, pretty much indicate how severe I was.

Redness on my body slowly fades away with no steroids given, I felt less itchy and every hour seemed better and deep down inside would love to get discharge as soon as possible because I had to prep myself; mentally for the final examination.

I swear I was recovering a lot on the next day till my body made me surprised with itchiness in the middle of the night! Almost cried, because I knew I couldn't scratch as it would make it worse. I had to press the nurse button call so many times and alas, even nurses were helpless because meds given to me reached its daily maximum dosage.

You tell me how vulnerable I was.

I ended up doze off because I was exhausted of not being able to do anything to make myself feel comfy, or at least able to sleep with less pain. I had no choice but to wait for 5 in the morning for my next antibiotics injection or else I might overdose which obviously will lead to serious consequences.

The next day was the day I requested to be discharged, but sadly I couldn’t because my condition was still severe regardless of showing some improvements. Hence, the doctor stepped up her game and prescribed me with higher dozed because initial treatments weren’t responsive to my body.

That was when I broke down into tears because I wanted to recover instantly but the situation didn’t let me so. I started to overthink and couldn’t help myself but to feel so negative and I hated myself at that time.

Why do I have to go through this, I asked. To God.

Out of people, why it has to be me? I asked again. To God.

I cried.

Then, my good friend replied to one of my Instagram stories that sounded this way;

“You are doing great Sarah. Always remember, Allah doesn’t burden a soul beyond that he/she can bear”

I needed that; I swear. Perhaps it was the answers to the questions I had earlier.

Hope was all I ever wanted, I had enough of people saying for me to get well quickly because deep down I knew I won’t. Not anytime soon. Nevertheless, I am thankful that at least I am aware people care about me and still significant to some people’s lives.

The tablets prescribed made me sleepy most of the time hence making me sleep with notes on my hand. I would sleep two hours after I had my pills so it took me extra time to actually finish studying than I usually do.

I went through many blood tests throughout being hospitalized for three nights because Dr suspected skin cancer at first glance but Alhamdulillah the results concerning to any skin diseases; SLE, Connective Tissue and Psoriasis were negative.

What a relief.

It could be worse but it didn’t.

The last thing I ever imagined was probably to suffer or dying from cancer and I wouldn’t lie from the fact that I thought a lot of arwah Ella in the hospital.

I had good news.

What was her feeling when the doctor broke her the sad news? How did she able to react so calmly and stayed positive the whole time. In all fairness, it’s been a year since she left us for good and I believe she is now in a better place. I truly hope she knows that there was never a day passed by I didn’t mention her in my prayers. Al-Fatihah.

My blood test was fine, my kidney was good, thyroid was normal, the heart does it jobs well, and unfortunately my liver didn’t look good as it should be.

No skin cancer, ok then what? Liver cancer?

The exact expression I had in my mind at that time.

Then, my dermatologist calmly explained that I wasn’t allergically caused by food. Not even surprised because I have never ever been allergic to any food, seafood or cats. I know my body too well as I know what I eat, what I love and I don’t. So the rashes couldn’t be for the reason I had some delicious sambal udang and sambal sotong or even gulai ketam.

I would cry a river if that triggered my rashes.

I happened to have excess (minor) fat in my liver or better called by non-alcoholic fatty liver disease (NAFLD) I was told that it normally found in overweight people but I am clearly not so doctor laughed as she said that. My ALT and AST ratio were high and even on my last day, the eosinophils increased compared to the previous blood test taken.

As for my liver, my enzymes couldn’t function well hence the rashes and itchiness. I was lucky because things could be worse if I didn’t get my skin irritations and infections last week. I wouldn’t know that my liver isn’t doing well. As doctor was explaining to my mum and I, she did ask, have I been experiencing any weight loss in these few months?

I said, yes but I thought it was normal because I didn’t eat that much since I love fasting and I usually climbed stairs to classes that are at level 10 or 12 whenever I was late. (blame those slow lifts at FSK6)

She said my body was already trying to say something but I assumed it was usual, then she explained; it doesn’t make sense for my weight falls to 42kg in a few weeks as I was always in the range of 45-46kg.

Since I am not allergic to food, perhaps it could be caused by Boba drinks, Starbucks, Cheesecakes, and everything that wasn’t healthy. I couldn’t lie that maybe I had too much Xing Fu Tang, Tealive and The Alley. You don’t know how many times my dad has had warned us all not to buy boba yet I still did because I couldn’t resist sebab sedap sangat.

But I have stopped from all these hypes drinks last month but I guess I am already too late lol.

Padan muka. Sudah terhantuk baru tengadah.

As for now, I am waiting for other blood tests results and I still have to go for check-ups. I would safely say I am recovering pretty well Alhamdulillah. My diet is 360 different nowadays as I am eating vegetables and fish in my daily dishes, more fruits and my mum is making me eat garlic every morning since I need to increase my immune system, hope it works in shaa Allah.

One for the memories.

I want to focus on my health so that my liver can function the way it was supposed to be again so please don’t ask me out at least for now. :p Is there even anyone wants to ask me out though.

I have learned that even 8 glasses of plain water intake I drink everyday, yet not an assurance that I am good to go. I still need to control my fats intake even though I am normal because if I hadn’t been warded, I wouldn’t know my internal organ isn’t working fine. After what had happened, I seriously hope that I would able to reach my optimum weight which is 45kg. Moderation is what we should practice.

All these viral drinks and food are indeed delicious but they would affect us some ways silently.

Dr Tee even mentioned that one of the factors that I had NAFLD due to overly stressed that certain hormones couldn’t work properly hence the skin inflammation. She stressed out that I should take things to go the way it is, and shouldn’t think too much on something in the past or worrying about what the future holds for me. She reads my mind, and I wouldn’t deny the fact that I get stressed way too easily,
even on tiny little things.

Let go and let God, she said.

I suddenly remember what I wrote on my the previous post, so I guess I didn’t walk the talk.

I honestly had no idea how stress could be dangerous to one’s body. I don’t even need to wait for diabetes to strike, even stress itself managed to make me warded. Crazy isn’t? And so, I hope by reading my humble story, I am able to instil a little consciousness to everyone not to overthink and worrying so much. We do have problems, but that doesn’t mean our bodies should be punished by skipping meals and sleep late for instance. I am certain sabr, relax and calm are the keys to coping with whatever challenges we are facing in lives.

I was blessed to be attended by Dr Tee, she was recommended by one of my dad’s close friend. She made sure I had the best treatment in Columbia. When I first met her, she suggested for me to a government hospital since the equipment there was perfect enough for my case but we didn’t and that’s because of my dad wanted me to be treated by her.

Even the nurses there said Dr Tee is a passionate specialist, so her patients are definitely in good hands. I thank God for every nurse who had helped me a lot throughout my days in Columbia, making sure I had my medicines on time without fail, giving me support to study and revising for FIN542, and assisted me patiently. I guess even thank you wouldn’t be sufficed.

How my bed looks like for 4 days.

The phrase “you are what you eat” is literally true and relatable with what I am going through at the moment. Everything starts from the inside, if you want to have healthy skin then starts eating something nutrients, and less oily food.

What is the purpose of living luxuriously if we are bound to consume bitter medicines for life and having hospital as your second home? We often forget that our health; physically and mentally- is the most significant thing and we should spend a lot of time taking care of it so that we can live a healthy and longer life.

Thus, good health is indeed one of the greatest blessings of life and we shouldn’t overlook this beautiful blessing. One should cherish it now and then by taking special care of it.

Narrated by Ibn Abbas:

The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "There are two blessings which many people lose: (They are) Health and free time for doing good."

Source: Al-Bukhari

January 12, 2020 1 comments

If I could describe 2019 in a word, then it would be roller-coaster. There were too many surprises, highs, countless mental breakdowns in between throughout these 12 months. If 2018 taught me to love myself first before anyone else, to choose myself over and over again, then I've learned to let go of things that beyond my control this year.

I wouldn’t lie of the fact that I’m not even close to happy studying in UiTM Puncak Alam. I have been longing for my life in Segamat that I wished God would let me continue my degree there. Alas, He didn’t.

My studies have been way too rocky this year, I even forgot how does it feel being smart. Perhaps if you were to see my brain, please send them back to me as soon as possible. It has been a year in UiTM Puncak Alam, yet pursuing my degree there was, and still kind of nightmare and disaster I've always wanted to avoid. Everything doesn't seem right as if I was heading to failure rather than success. It’s not that I am not capable to do it, I obviously can but there’s something that has been missing from myself ever since I began my degree and the fact that I don’t know what is it makes it more irrational.

And the reality is, there is no way out instead of face whatever life throws at me whether I like it or not because it was my choice in the first place. I hope, I have the audacity to blame others for what had happened but I couldn’t because I knew I was the one who put Bachelor of Business Administration (Hons) in Finance as my first choice and that’s when my heart died.

Even though I’m no longer that smart girl I used to be, but I decided to embrace and stay true to what I love doing which is writing. And that is one of the things that I have achieved this year. I’m holding onto it and never letting it go because I believe one day this blog would bring me somewhere to the place where I truly belong. Even if it’s not meant to be, my love for telling stories and desire to inspire others through writing would remain alive.

Life can be cruel sometimes if you are a dreamer, and I understood that there will never be an easy route to reach the point of life where I wish I want to be. I’ve realized when we have to do something that we don’t like, we are easily directed to more, and more disappointments, dissatisfactions, frustrations every single day.

In spite of that, I’ve learned the one who gets to decide how the future looks like is me, myself and not anyone else. I have to be bold enough to pick up the shattered pieces left on my own because no one isn't going to do that for me. No matter how many people rooting for us, constantly giving us support but the battle is within us so always let ourselves win.

When we spend thinking on something that bothers us, something that we can’t do anything about, and when we allow ourselves to feel negative emotions hence it would only tear us down and break us apart. Imagine, if your results are close enough to score an A, with only 0.01 difference and you keep on wondering if only you put some little extra effort, perhaps you could do well and secured an A. Perhaps. The anecdote is we could assume anything to happen the way we direly want it to, but only if God says so.

Therefore, let go of the things we can’t control. Let go of the past and move on.

We have to bear in mind things can’t always go as planned. We can’t change the past so don’t waste time thinking about all of the ways wishing we could have done or said something differently.

We obviously can’t, so dwell on it. The more we wallow on these negative thoughts, the less confident we’ll feel.

Letting go of the things we can’t change helps in getting rid of some negativity from our lives which eventually prepare us to face any discomfort situations with certainty as we won’t doubt ourselves and actions anymore. We can’t change anything, so just accept that considering the circumstances, we did the best that we could.

2019 isn’t a mess after all because at least I have successfully made reading as my habit and I graduated with Vice-Chancellor Award in Diploma Business Studies. Alhamdulillah. Thank you for all the lessons you taught me, for letting myself to make mistakes, for making me a stronger person directly or indirectly, for making myself to do something I never thought I could, and of course for preparing me to embark on a new chapter of my life.

I can’t wait to see what 2020 has in store for me, let us pray that I’ll get myself a boyfriend next year! Let the new year bring a new you.

Goodbye 2019, Happy New Year, everyone!

The things you are passionate about are not random, they are your calling - Fabienne Fredrickson

December 17, 2019 2 comments

My class ended early yesterday so as soon as I got back to the hostel, the first thing I did was cleaning my room, swept and mopped the whole house and sorted everything out before I began doing my tons of tasks and assignments that have been piling up.

Then my good friend was thoughtful enough to send a message saying how I inspired her to always be generous to others, I almost shed tears when I read her long message.

How coincidence it is because I have decided to talk about the power of kindness for my persuasive speech as I am certain that the world is lack of compassion, sympathy and it needs more kind earthlings for a brighter future for us to live.

As I was doing my research a few days ago, I stumbled upon a statement that goes this way – if a person does something kind to someone, the outcome of good deeds that person did don't end there, instead, it will keep on going and going or better called as The Ripple Effect of Kindness. I've never thought that kindness has a positive chain that can be spread out to others and according to research, these ripple effects spread emotions such as love and compassion.

When I was little, I always see my late grandfather, Tok Bah always give his money to poor people and I wondered how was it possible for Tok Bah could give away his money easily to others. It doesn’t make sense at least to me, even if someone from the village wanted to borrow some money from him, he would give extra than what was asked.

He didn’t rigid his kindness to his race only yet he would gladly help some old Chinese uncles who were probably at the same age as his. I didn’t like people who came to us, begging for money and if there were any, Tok Bah would be the first one who handed money – RM10 or sometimes RM50 happily without thinking twice. To be honest, I wish I am that generous.

As I grow older, I finally understood, why my late grandfather loved to give without asking or hoping for a return, it is the contentment we feel inside after helping someone. Doing nice things for others will boost our serotonin, the neurotransmitter that responsible for feelings of satisfaction and well-being. It seems that while being kind makes us happier, being happier makes us kinder, too.

Research also has shown that spending extra money on other people may be more powerful in increasing happiness than spending it on yourself. I guess Tok Bah had released too many good hormones and I bet he felt happy that he went to bed every day without any worries because he knew he made someone else’s life easier even if it’s only with RM10. I miss him, always have and always will.

He once told us, if someone borrowed money from you and he/she hasn’t yet paid the money, then don’t ask the person when he/she going to pay back. I didn’t understand back then because why wouldn’t you ask, it’s our money after all. Rugilah nanti. Perhaps Tok Bah was a very considerate person as he won’t ask, and the reason behind is that maybe that person hasn’t had enough money yet so don’t ask.

It’s been 6 years since he left us forever, but my late paternal grandparents would remain forever in my heart. Now that I’m big enough to think, I have decided to continue what he had taught the whole family directly or indirectly. If there's one thing I am jealous of Tok Bah is his generosity and kindness towards everyone and everything

I couldn’t remember when was the first time I belanja any of my friends but I’m glad it happened and up till this the day I promised to myself that I would always spend some money for people around me. It doesn’t have to be every day, once in a while trying to pay for my friends’ meals, or ice-cream is sufficient enough.

My parents never allowed me to work, so I don’t have extra money for myself to waste on. Everything that I give people is fully sponsored by my parents and what I do is I allocate how much I would spend on my friends. For example, presents that I bought for my friends came from the savings that I started to save a few months prior.

Whenever I treat my friends for lunch or on any meals we had, honestly it wasn’t thank you that I wanted to hear, but how they would eat with such appetite made me happy. I didn’t know spending money on others would make us happy until I read it on an article. I will keep on giving because I believe kindness will come back around and it can be in the form of anything. Having good company is also a blessing that I would treasure.

I am so thankful that someone finally able to see why do I love to give so much, I won’t think twice especially on people I love. I can safely say I already have my own The Ripple Effect of Kindness because someone inspired with the good deeds I have been doing over the years and I hope that person can inspire someone else too and I believe she will.

Never scared of having less money if you spend extra money on others because Allah SWT has mentioned in Al-Quran,

Dan (ingatlah), Allah akan melipatgandakan pahala bagi sesiapa yang dikehendaki-Nya, dan Allah Maha Luas (rahmat) kurnia-Nya, lagi Meliputi ilmu pengetahuan-Nya. (Surah al-Baqarah, ayat 261)

You don’t know how many times I actually had not enough money left but I kept to myself, and never once I felt worried. Usually, if that were to happen, my friends who borrowed money from me would pay back during that time. Then I would have money again. It might sound ridiculous, but it happens to me every time I don’t have enough money. Indeed, no one can resist – Allah SWT’s sovereign will.

Let’s make this world a better place for living by spreading kindness and create your own The Ripple Effect of Kindness until yours reach mine and mine reaches yours. Even in tough times, be nice to others and above all be nice to yourself.

Carry out a random act of kindness, with no expectation of reward, safe in the knowledge that one day someone might do the same for you. - Princess Diana

November 08, 2019 No comments

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