سارة هنناني: 2017

September 05, 2017 2 comments

Turn 19 today. I want to speak about me. I want people to understand or at least try to, that is all I ask. I am here to share regarding mental illness that I have been battling with myself, anxiety disorder.

It has been almost 2 years since I first knew I have an anxiety disorder. Semua orang ada anxiety kan, but mine yang sampai depends on medicines. I told my mum that I always feel anxious even though I didn't do anything and it got worse everyday. Masa tu habis SPM, so my mum brought me to see a doctor. It started when I knew that my thyroid was not imbalanced and that's where my anxiety came from.

Some people might think yang anxiety is normal, well it's not. You never know how we people who suffer from anxiety struggle every day. Constant worries. Constant fear. Constant feel as if I am never good enough.

I overthink.

Anxiety ni tak kelakar. I hate the fact yang when my heart racing and palpitating when I am not even doing anything. I would start breathing in short shallow breaths. I feel irritable and like I might start crying at any moment. Or even worse, I would feel as if I were going to die.

I obviously look OK on the outside, but my anxiety is wreaking havoc on the insides. Most of the time. I constantly have thoughts racing in my head, and they seem to have no end.

it is the voice,

that I wish could stop coming to me, stop choosing me because we don't choose to have anxiety but it chooses you. Anxiety chooses me.

There is always voice that lingers in the shadows of my mind just waiting in eager anticipation to watch me fail, doubt, question and it’s persistent.

While the other part of me stands for what I believe, I believe in myself. I know that I’m worth more than what I say to myself, but the fear of the inability to live up to it. I have to battle with my own self, my own mind.

Penat. Sangat penat.

It is an illness that makes me feel anxious and worried about everyday things or seemingly nothing at all. I can quickly get lost in my head: I’m worthless, no one loves me, I’m too much. These thoughts are often unrealistic.

I hate when I am not being able to fall asleep because I keep replaying the day in my head and what I should have done differently. I am not able to relax because I keep thinking about a mistake I made three years ago that only myself remember happening. It is the questioning of just about everything I do.

The voice,

It is the voice that wants me to expect the worst so I won’t feel disappointed later on. It is the voice that pre-empts outcomes before they have happened.

It’s walking into a room and feeling that every single person is staring at you and judging you for everything you’re wearing, everything you do and everything you say. Scared of being judged.

It is the voice that tells me to flee and protect myself at all costs. Yes, insecurities. It’s walking alone and feels as if someone is following you from the back. It’s my brain telling anything and everything is wrong and I have no idea why.

It’s noticing things that are out of order or out of place and if I don’t tell someone or fix, it will continue to nag you in the back of my mind for the rest of the day.

It’s shaking, standing up, sitting down, wandering, it’s never sitting still. It’s a fog inside my mind that’s impossible to clear no matter what I do.

However, anxiety and courage always exist together.

They have to. They better be.

I can’t get through day after day with anxiety blocking the path, without having the courage to help push a way through.

Courage comes when I don’t let anxiety to get in because I believe that I can do it. Tipu la cakap tak nervous kalau nak buat presentation ke apa, but if I don’t fight, if I let anxiety controls myself, it shows how weak I am. I am not giving up, I don’t want to give up but there are days that I want to give up because I’m too tired to handle with my own mind.

So far, I would end up doing my best. Alhamdulillah. However, once anxiety kicks in, it sadistically allows me to catch glimpses of myself that I am proud of, only to rip it away with a vision of how I will screw it up again.

It is the doubt beyond all measurable reason that I am not worthy of true happiness. Yet it taunts me with the thought that I am worthy too. It is the nervousness inside that I will fail again and again and again despite all my efforts.

Anxiety is all about being worried, actually petrified, for no reason at all. Is this good enough? Am I good enough? Have I done enough? Is that right? Be better, stronger, faster, smarter, prettier. It is also the people pleasing.

I wasn’t a perfectionist back then but I am becoming one. Perfectionism is not even cool at all. Menyusahkan adalah. Kalau boleh semua benda nak siapkan, termasuk kerja orang lain sebab nanti kerja dorang tak sampai dengan my expectation. However, it has driven myself to give my best in every single thing I do. Which means full marks for every task and assignment that are assigned for me kahkah over je.

Anxiety is also the sorry for not being enough and making mistakes.

For being too open and not open enough. For talking too much or not talking enough. It is sorry for all my actions I see that has never been enough,

it is the sorry for not seeing what others see in me.

There are days where the physical symptoms aren’t as present, I’m happy and not getting stuck in the thoughts that can often consume me;

but the next day I don’t know how I’ll ever get through this.

On my worst days, anxiety is this awful, uncomfortable feeling in my stomach, butterflies.

Do you know that thoughts that begin as little thoughts can change the entire day? For instance, Did I lock the door? I know I already checked, but am I sure? What if something happens to me and no one thinks to check on me?

It doesn’t matter how much effort is put into preparation; once there’s a worry, it can white-knuckle for grip.

Sometimes, I’d smile to cover up the real thoughts that fly through my head faster than I can interact with at times. Behind my smile and laughter includes intense frustration, nervousness, upset stomach, shaking, rapid heart rate, questioning, overthinking, over-everything.

Anxiety tells me to distance myself and run so I don’t hurt others or let others hurt me. It’s the knowing that I do have people who care but dreading the sadness I see in their eyes when they don’t understand the conversations that run riot in my mind.

To my anxious heart,

I’m sorry for saying the wrong thing will cause you to panic and worry.

I’m sorry your family doesn’t understand how the smallest things can leave you feeling terrified, overwhelmed and out of control.

I know you feel like a burden, like a constant target of worry for your friends and family.

I know you are embarrassed to explain why you are worried, anxious and scared because you know how ridiculous it sounds, but there’s no stopping it.

I know you over analyse every interaction you have, afraid you said or did something wrong.

Oh anxious heart, how I so desperately want to tell you and help you to be brave, be strong, but most importantly, to be still.

Anxiety isn't bad after all because it makes myself closer to Allah SWT. I am actually blessed to suffer from anxiety disorder because to think of it, if I were not to have one, maybe I wouldn’t be the person who I am today. Who knows?

I find myself the calmest person when I pray, recite al-Quran and whenever I see my loved ones happy. In a nutshell, people who have anxiety disorder have to fight with irrational thoughts that run through our minds, hence we need support from people around us, we constantly need positive vibes, we need someone to talk to regarding our worries and fears without getting judged, and of course, I happen to be lucky that I am able to control myself despite I have to depend on my pills.

And to anyone who is suffering the same thing like I do, you are not alone. We are in this together.

It is fighting and it is surviving. We have to be strong for ourselves and for those who care for us.

August 12, 2017 No comments

if you haven't read the first day, pls do so;

Trip to Ipoh - Day 1

Malam tu Huda, Syiqin and I slept around 2am cause we had some girls talks and trust me it felt like old days again! The boys went to gerbang malam again, I wish I could join them tapi Sarah Hannani dah penat nak mati so takpe la next time. We ironed all our clothes that night, lepas tu tetiba ada bunyi orang berlari kat luar. Cuba teka siapa?

I couldn't sleep malam tu, maybe I was too tired yang tak boleh nak tidur ataupun sebab pergi Kellie's Castle, eh? Apa-apa je la. I watched all those videos that I snap-chatted while everyone semua dah tidur lepas tu tergelak sendirian sebab rasa diri kelakar sangat :') why am I like this..

I managed to sleep tapi tu la terjaga-jaga then I woke up early sebab nak siap lagi and stuff en. Pastu sebab sis takut bangun pagi-pagi then I switched on TV, tengok CJ Wow Shop TV3 sebagai syarat meriahkan bilik je kahkah. :') Sorry Huda, dia terjaga pun sebab CJ Wow Shop LOL.

Day 2 ni asyik kena tinggal je maybe semua dah penat layan aku. The boys left us sebab dalam intiary cakap pukul 7:15 bertolak, tapi tak siap-siap so they gave up I guess. We walked to kedai apa tah I lupa, we had our breakfast there. Pagi-pagi takde orang pun so boleh la lari sana lari sini, rasa macam dekat Muar tapi Muar pagi-pagi pun banyak kereta heh.

so I had Bihun Sup, and they had Mee Kari. Pedas gila yet so sedap! Gambar ni je mampu post sebab aku tunggu Harris nak send gambar sampai kesudah tak dapat.

Then we went to Gunung Lang. There's nothing pun kat sana tapi kalau tempat bergambar best la. It cost around RM 5 to RM 7 to get there. Since there were 7 of us so divide semua takdela mahal sangat.

oh yes we kena naik boat nak pergi Taman Rekreasi tu. It was RM 3 each so ok la.

and who is this hottie? Yang belakang tu pun.

forced them to smile for camera. Love love them for layan me.

My lovely Abid took this for me, feeling Neelofa, #ilofayou #iamstillsingle

honestly, banyak gila gambar cantik yang Harris tak send lagi so tak boleh nak post kat sini. I even buat music video there. :'(

Part kelakar eh ni bila semua tak nak balik, boleh pulak semua main kat playground, tell me how do I unfriend those people? Pastu en, pak cik yang bawak boat tu hon banyak kali sebab tunggu kita orang. Usually people spend around 45 minutes je kita orang sampai 2 jam LOL. so it makes sense dia pun halau kita orang balik HAHAHA.

Waktu sampai tu takde matahari lagi tau, balik tu kemain panas dia. Boleh bayangkan tak betapa lamanya kita orang kat situ. Pastu we went to Mural Arts apa tah (aku tak nak pergi sini tau, tapi semua pergi so layankan je) Then dah dekat situ, I asked Abid, "Asal kita kat sini eh" , Then he told me, "You kan suka bergambar so bawak la you datang sini" ok so he got the wrong idea, by mean "suka bergambar" tu maknanya gambar belakang background scenery. Tbh I find it's funny though. Semua pls gelak.

Then we rushed back to hotel, we needed to check out before 12pm, so sampai-sampai je pintu tak boleh bukak (one thing I hate about the hotel we stayed) We arrived at our hotel time tu almost 12, then we went down to the lobby cakap we wanted to take our stuff je semua baru boleh access bilik. Why so strict man..tak faham. Tolak 5 markah. Semua gelabah ambik barang sampai kepala charger aku tertinggal tau tak?! Nasib baik Abid baik so dia teman I naik bilik check HAHAH, Then we left our bags dekat lobby hotel tu (Ni best, sebab boleh letak barang, tambah 2 markah.) Then we walked to have our lunch. Cuba teka kita orang makan apa?

Jeng

The famous Nasi Ganja.

It was nice la tapi I tak habis maybe it was too crowded and sister sangat stress and serabut. Pastu kita orang jumpa Farhan yang Sterk Production tu, Syiqin sat behind him so she got the viral vibes already. Tunggu lagi 4-5 bulan, Syiqin pulak viral buat video ke ok hambar bunuh aku sekarang. Then time ni we just walked around je (I ikut je mana they pergi) then we saw ada this masjid waktu tengah jalan tu en. Then siapa tah tanya dah masuk waktu ke belum, kiranya senang solat terus en. Then only I realised kenapa phone aku tak azan, sebab I deleted the apps sebab phone memory full nak mati, zero space. #perksof16gb

After that, we walked to Plan B sambil lalu Sungai apa tah. Lepas tu boleh pulak semua siap tengok air sungai tu semua, are my friends easily amused or I am the one yang rasa benda tak penting takpayah sibuk. Then we lepak dekat this kedai, sambil selesaikan segala hutang untuk pagi hari.

Comel en I dengan Harris? Boleh la kot ship kita orang.

Ada this one Chinese lady yang offer to tangkapkan gambar. Baik sangat semua orang Ipoh ni OMG. Tapi Abid kenapa muka redho?

Paling penyabar dorang ni. Bila fikir balik macam mana dorang sabar with my attitude, dengan annoyingnya, dengan mengadanya, dengan gediknya, sumpah terharu.

and IT'S A WRAAP for my pre-birthday trip. They must be so thankful that we were going back time ni. Thank you team for layan me, dari the moment we met sampai ke habis. Thank you for joining this trip and of course, you guys have made it to #MyFavouritePeople List. Never thought I would enjoy wandering around Ipoh with you people yang dua tahun tak jumpa except for the girls (baru je jumpa pastu gi trip sesama, clingy sangat)

APPRECIATION POST ;

Thank you Huda layan kita. Belikan ticket ETS for us all. Tangkap gambar kita orang lawa-lawa. Pastu sebab I sangat clingy, jom la next trip in 2 weeks time ceh cakap duit macam turun dari langit je. Thank you sebab buat lawak setiap masa, kita rindu nak makan cendol ni. and of course, thank you for being yourself. Sudi layan kita yang sangat annoying, and be one of my good friends. I'm glad we are still talking and just so you know, I never wanna lose you. Please bear with me for another 30 years, or more. Stay funny & redha with my perangai and I wish you the best of luck for you in the future. I'll pray that one day you'll find the right guy as you deserve the best. Dia pernah basuhkan baju kita waktu kat TGB dulu, nasib aku tak suruh dia gosokkan baju aku hari tu HAHAHA kididng. Beauty inside and out dia ni, so kalau berminat boleh PM tepi.

This girl yang selalu motivate I to do better each day. Nak tahu tak apa lagi catalyst for me to do well in my studies? Sebab dia ni la. Suka tengok dia pandai sangat, so waktu masuk Segamat teringin jugak nak rasa jadi orang pandai. Hence, I know that I need to work hard in my studies regardless whatever I'm taking. Ingat lagi cerita kat Syiqin pasal I don't like business semua, then she told me to always give our best, because Allah's plans are always the best. Indeed His plans are the best, love looking at myself now. Thank you sister booking kan hotel semua, call taxi cari taxi waktu kita dekat Kellie's Castle. Layan all my kerenah bergambar, I'm going to keep you foreva, even ~~that girl~~ cannot steal you from us HAHAHA. Stay lovely as you do. May you'll be the person that you always wanted to be. This one is still single, berminat boleh PM tepi.

Cantikkan dia? Tahu tak macam mana my parents boleh bagi lepas pergi trip ni? Sebab ibu dia bagi green light so sister pun dapat pergi. Because our mothers were classmates pastu anak dorang pun classmates, and I told her that our daughters pun kena sebaya jugak kahkah. Thank you for joining this trip and bear with me, kesian awak sebab demam. I felt so bad for her sebab demam-demam pun pergi trip ni. Thank you for making this trip a memorable one. Love her sebab suka berjalan, tak reti penat tapi sebab dia demam hari tu so dia give up awal HAHAHA. My prayers are always with you. Susah mana pun, kalau letak Dia yang paling atas, Dia mudahkan. Best of luck in your degree life, you know that I'm always there for you if you need someone to talk to. This one also still single, boleh PM tepi.

Kesayangan I jugak dia ni. Kawan gossip waktu kat TGB dulu, kalau nak tahu semua gossip terbaru, terkini, padat, tepat boleh la jumpa dia ni. I am glad you are still the same, it was good to see you Abid. Thank you for making this whole trip more fun with your jokes, cakap lepas semua tu. Thank you for being an honest friend to me. Thank you tangkapkan gambar kita yang lawa-lawa. Tak rugi la ajak awak. One day, I hope there's someone would accept you just the way you are. You are a very fun person, love being around you walaupun kekadang cakap lepas tapi it's the truth LOL. May Allah ease whatever you are taking in the future. Jangan pernah lupa Sarah Hannani tau. May our friendship lasts.

uish siapa abang handsome ni? HAHAHAH. Thank you Encik Harris bagi I guna your phone most of the time, sampai macam buat harta sendiri. 64gb en? Takdehal la bagi pinjam. Mungkin boleh kot hantar semua gambar aku dengan music video semua dekat Google Drive. Satu minggu dah tunggu ni. Thank you layan I, please don't give up with me because we are going to have so many trips together. Stay funny & lovely as you do. and stay handsome tau. Thank you for making this trip a memorable one, thank you for joining ahmagadz terharu kita sebab awak pun ada. :') Dulu waktu zaman sekolah, dia ni jugak antara mangsa aku mengada HAHAH old days. May whatever you do, He blesses. Wish you the best of luck in the future. Truthfully, he is still single, tapi back off girls, he's mine HAHA. Lepas tu en ada orang post kat sayat.me aku, cakap he's mine.

whose friend is this? anyone? Thank you Ammar for joining us, thank you for saying yes when we invited you. The reason why we invited him and not you, because he's nice and cool. Thank you jadi so called leader bawak kita orang nak kemana dan kemana dengan hanya guna Google Maps. Lepas tu bawak kita orang jalan kat lorong-lorong mana tah. Lepas tu jaga kita orang semua bila time nak lintas and all. Thank you jugak tangkapkan gambar kita, I iz very terharu. Semoga 5 tahun dekat KL, anda akan sentiasa kuat dengan segala cabaran dugaan yang mendatang. I hope you won't change and please stay nice as always. Doakan Ammar jadi doktor in the future, and may whatever you do, He blesses! Semoga jadi orang yang berguna untuk masyarakat cewah. Ni second trip kita orang sebab first trip waktu pergi Kemboja dulu. Kalau terkenang balik rasa kelakar sebab I only started to tegur you waktu dekat Kemboja ehekz, ok dia masih single. Yang ini pilihan menantu mak ayah nenek atuk pak long mak long awak semua. Highly recommend. Boleh PM tepi kalau berminat.

came all the way here just because I wanted to take pictures here, feeling cari Kapten Mukhriz gitu. Gambar lawa semua dekat Harris. Tolong someone suruh dia bagi kat Google Drive ASAP. still can't believe I made it to Ipoh dengan kawan pulak tu. Mot helped me in choosing all my outfit, all thanks to her. Sebab orang reply kat ig story cakap kita cantik :') This is my blog so sukati I nak perasan. Sorry for spamming on snapchat hari tu and thank you for watching maybe I shld have my own reality show, and to whoever yang sent dekat sayat.me cakap "He's mine" tu mungkin awak kena chill sikit sebab obviously I was joking duhh. Unless if Harris likes me so I'm going to like him too HAHAHAH.

Budget Trip sebab some of my friends personally asked me so nah;

1. Ticket ETS (pergi balik) : RM 69

2. Bilik Hotel RM 98 but we divided into 4 so: RM 24.50 each

3. Total Uber : RM 13 each tapi nak selamat I letak RM 15. Sebab kita orang jalan kaki so save duit kat situ.

4. Total makan dekat Ipoh : Around RM 20 - RM 25

5. Lain-lain : Duit ticket Kellie's Castle, Gunung Lang : RM 8 je.

Thank you for making time reading my Trip to Ipoh stories.

July 28, 2017 3 comments

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