سارة هنناني: 2019

If I could describe 2019 in a word, then it would be roller-coaster. There were too many surprises, highs, countless mental breakdowns in between throughout these 12 months. If 2018 taught me to love myself first before anyone else, to choose myself over and over again, then I've learned to let go of things that beyond my control this year.

I wouldn’t lie of the fact that I’m not even close to happy studying in UiTM Puncak Alam. I have been longing for my life in Segamat that I wished God would let me continue my degree there. Alas, He didn’t.

My studies have been way too rocky this year, I even forgot how does it feel being smart. Perhaps if you were to see my brain, please send them back to me as soon as possible. It has been a year in UiTM Puncak Alam, yet pursuing my degree there was, and still kind of nightmare and disaster I've always wanted to avoid. Everything doesn't seem right as if I was heading to failure rather than success. It’s not that I am not capable to do it, I obviously can but there’s something that has been missing from myself ever since I began my degree and the fact that I don’t know what is it makes it more irrational.

And the reality is, there is no way out instead of face whatever life throws at me whether I like it or not because it was my choice in the first place. I hope, I have the audacity to blame others for what had happened but I couldn’t because I knew I was the one who put Bachelor of Business Administration (Hons) in Finance as my first choice and that’s when my heart died.

Even though I’m no longer that smart girl I used to be, but I decided to embrace and stay true to what I love doing which is writing. And that is one of the things that I have achieved this year. I’m holding onto it and never letting it go because I believe one day this blog would bring me somewhere to the place where I truly belong. Even if it’s not meant to be, my love for telling stories and desire to inspire others through writing would remain alive.

Life can be cruel sometimes if you are a dreamer, and I understood that there will never be an easy route to reach the point of life where I wish I want to be. I’ve realized when we have to do something that we don’t like, we are easily directed to more, and more disappointments, dissatisfactions, frustrations every single day.

In spite of that, I’ve learned the one who gets to decide how the future looks like is me, myself and not anyone else. I have to be bold enough to pick up the shattered pieces left on my own because no one isn't going to do that for me. No matter how many people rooting for us, constantly giving us support but the battle is within us so always let ourselves win.

When we spend thinking on something that bothers us, something that we can’t do anything about, and when we allow ourselves to feel negative emotions hence it would only tear us down and break us apart. Imagine, if your results are close enough to score an A, with only 0.01 difference and you keep on wondering if only you put some little extra effort, perhaps you could do well and secured an A. Perhaps. The anecdote is we could assume anything to happen the way we direly want it to, but only if God says so.

Therefore, let go of the things we can’t control. Let go of the past and move on.

We have to bear in mind things can’t always go as planned. We can’t change the past so don’t waste time thinking about all of the ways wishing we could have done or said something differently.

We obviously can’t, so dwell on it. The more we wallow on these negative thoughts, the less confident we’ll feel.

Letting go of the things we can’t change helps in getting rid of some negativity from our lives which eventually prepare us to face any discomfort situations with certainty as we won’t doubt ourselves and actions anymore. We can’t change anything, so just accept that considering the circumstances, we did the best that we could.

2019 isn’t a mess after all because at least I have successfully made reading as my habit and I graduated with Vice-Chancellor Award in Diploma Business Studies. Alhamdulillah. Thank you for all the lessons you taught me, for letting myself to make mistakes, for making me a stronger person directly or indirectly, for making myself to do something I never thought I could, and of course for preparing me to embark on a new chapter of my life.

I can’t wait to see what 2020 has in store for me, let us pray that I’ll get myself a boyfriend next year! Let the new year bring a new you.

Goodbye 2019, Happy New Year, everyone!

The things you are passionate about are not random, they are your calling - Fabienne Fredrickson

December 17, 2019 2 comments

My class ended early yesterday so as soon as I got back to the hostel, the first thing I did was cleaning my room, swept and mopped the whole house and sorted everything out before I began doing my tons of tasks and assignments that have been piling up.

Then my good friend was thoughtful enough to send a message saying how I inspired her to always be generous to others, I almost shed tears when I read her long message.

How coincidence it is because I have decided to talk about the power of kindness for my persuasive speech as I am certain that the world is lack of compassion, sympathy and it needs more kind earthlings for a brighter future for us to live.

As I was doing my research a few days ago, I stumbled upon a statement that goes this way – if a person does something kind to someone, the outcome of good deeds that person did don't end there, instead, it will keep on going and going or better called as The Ripple Effect of Kindness. I've never thought that kindness has a positive chain that can be spread out to others and according to research, these ripple effects spread emotions such as love and compassion.

When I was little, I always see my late grandfather, Tok Bah always give his money to poor people and I wondered how was it possible for Tok Bah could give away his money easily to others. It doesn’t make sense at least to me, even if someone from the village wanted to borrow some money from him, he would give extra than what was asked.

He didn’t rigid his kindness to his race only yet he would gladly help some old Chinese uncles who were probably at the same age as his. I didn’t like people who came to us, begging for money and if there were any, Tok Bah would be the first one who handed money – RM10 or sometimes RM50 happily without thinking twice. To be honest, I wish I am that generous.

As I grow older, I finally understood, why my late grandfather loved to give without asking or hoping for a return, it is the contentment we feel inside after helping someone. Doing nice things for others will boost our serotonin, the neurotransmitter that responsible for feelings of satisfaction and well-being. It seems that while being kind makes us happier, being happier makes us kinder, too.

Research also has shown that spending extra money on other people may be more powerful in increasing happiness than spending it on yourself. I guess Tok Bah had released too many good hormones and I bet he felt happy that he went to bed every day without any worries because he knew he made someone else’s life easier even if it’s only with RM10. I miss him, always have and always will.

He once told us, if someone borrowed money from you and he/she hasn’t yet paid the money, then don’t ask the person when he/she going to pay back. I didn’t understand back then because why wouldn’t you ask, it’s our money after all. Rugilah nanti. Perhaps Tok Bah was a very considerate person as he won’t ask, and the reason behind is that maybe that person hasn’t had enough money yet so don’t ask.

It’s been 6 years since he left us forever, but my late paternal grandparents would remain forever in my heart. Now that I’m big enough to think, I have decided to continue what he had taught the whole family directly or indirectly. If there's one thing I am jealous of Tok Bah is his generosity and kindness towards everyone and everything

I couldn’t remember when was the first time I belanja any of my friends but I’m glad it happened and up till this the day I promised to myself that I would always spend some money for people around me. It doesn’t have to be every day, once in a while trying to pay for my friends’ meals, or ice-cream is sufficient enough.

My parents never allowed me to work, so I don’t have extra money for myself to waste on. Everything that I give people is fully sponsored by my parents and what I do is I allocate how much I would spend on my friends. For example, presents that I bought for my friends came from the savings that I started to save a few months prior.

Whenever I treat my friends for lunch or on any meals we had, honestly it wasn’t thank you that I wanted to hear, but how they would eat with such appetite made me happy. I didn’t know spending money on others would make us happy until I read it on an article. I will keep on giving because I believe kindness will come back around and it can be in the form of anything. Having good company is also a blessing that I would treasure.

I am so thankful that someone finally able to see why do I love to give so much, I won’t think twice especially on people I love. I can safely say I already have my own The Ripple Effect of Kindness because someone inspired with the good deeds I have been doing over the years and I hope that person can inspire someone else too and I believe she will.

Never scared of having less money if you spend extra money on others because Allah SWT has mentioned in Al-Quran,

Dan (ingatlah), Allah akan melipatgandakan pahala bagi sesiapa yang dikehendaki-Nya, dan Allah Maha Luas (rahmat) kurnia-Nya, lagi Meliputi ilmu pengetahuan-Nya. (Surah al-Baqarah, ayat 261)

You don’t know how many times I actually had not enough money left but I kept to myself, and never once I felt worried. Usually, if that were to happen, my friends who borrowed money from me would pay back during that time. Then I would have money again. It might sound ridiculous, but it happens to me every time I don’t have enough money. Indeed, no one can resist – Allah SWT’s sovereign will.

Let’s make this world a better place for living by spreading kindness and create your own The Ripple Effect of Kindness until yours reach mine and mine reaches yours. Even in tough times, be nice to others and above all be nice to yourself.

Carry out a random act of kindness, with no expectation of reward, safe in the knowledge that one day someone might do the same for you. - Princess Diana

November 08, 2019 No comments

October 28, 2019 2 comments

as I'm writing this, please get in your mind that it is based on my life experience & preferences:

I figure out one of my close friends who went through a hard time (read: the partner left my friend) for someone else and what makes me sad is that it was his first time liking someone, or in other word - his first love.

To make it short, this close friend of mine, let's call him Z, was in a relationship with a girl for quite long enough, then suddenly I knew that girl is with someone else already. It breaks my heart twice first because my close friend didn't tell me, second because I knew his love for that girl was true. Up till this day, I have heard so many love stories from my close friends, be it confused feelings, the spark isn’t there like how it used to or it doesn’t feel the same anymore and etc.

I'd never thought how a person could affect someone's life that it's either make or break you. and yes, I had my first heartbreak and it was awful that I pray none of my close friends will ever go through what I had. Surprisingly, it happened sooner than what I’ve expected but that was a long time ago (not that long)

Even though I have never been in a relationship before, but the misery itself taught me a lot that I am pretty much able to put my place in my friends’ situation. Things happened, I learned, I moved on and I never been happier ever since.

Back to this Z-story, I feel bad for him that she took him for granted, never liked the girl in the first-place pun as I’ve been hearing unpleasant gossips about her so I wasn’t that surprised but they lasted longer than I’ve predicted. I talked to Z since what I went through was likely the same – heartbreak.

When it was my time, my friends were all there for me, I didn’t feel alone, not a single bit. I remembered; Sab was constantly checking on me the whole week. The first thing I saw on my phone everyday was WhatsApp message – “Sarah, okay dah?” “Sarah, have a great day ahead!”, then Farah made time to call me despite her busy schedule, and John annoyingly asking if I’m doing well (wuv you, babe). I was lucky, and I’m grateful for amazing friends, always.

I wanted to do the same to Z, but I’d never think I’ll able to do what my friends did for me back then. Then, I told him I surely know how he feels at the moment even he didn’t say it. Z said he never talked about it to anyone because he didn’t want people to see how fragile he is. Truth is, that is one of the features of feelings.

Feelings itself is a solid noun, and what makes it unique is that you can have different emotions at one time – mixed feelings. It is okay to cry if you just got break up and I don’t think you look less macho pun. Cry all you want if that will help you ease your heartache, shout if you have to because as far as I’m concerned, keeping everything to yourself is unhealthy.

In my humble opinion, cheating is a choice, being loyal to your partner is a choice too, you decide to stay or leave. Even liking someone else when you are with someone else is a tiny chance created by yourself. If you ask me personally what do I think about kesetiaan (loyalty) – it presents you as a whole, and for me, loyalty comes with a price, can you afford it? It comes with respect, honesty, trust which made it likely a diamond. Once you crack or accidentally drop it, it might unbreakable but there will be scratches somewhere that it won’t be the same anymore.

To anyone who is having a likely tough time in moving on or middle of tension situation with your partner, please prioritize yourself before anyone else. I might sound selfish but you are your longest commitment after all so do what makes you happy and what you think the best for you. Know your worth and if your partner makes you a better person, that’s a good sign. Girls will radiantly glow more than ever if they are with the right people, just like what I see in my close friend. She went through a lot, and I’m glad she found someone who makes her happy the way she deserves to!

My advice is time will definitely heal, let it go and let God. It took me quite some time to move on as well, but I've learned to love myself even more throughout the way. It is okay to cry every night before sleep; it doesn’t make you look any less weak because we humans have feelings. I’ll pray that the day of – you realized that you just don’t care about him/her anymore, and completely erased whatever nightmares you had, and trust me, there will be a person who will take your pain away in shaa Allah aamiin! If you are brave enough to love, then you are bold enough for inhuman heartbreaks.

Love cannot be found where it does not exist nor can it be hidden where it truly does – William Shakespeare

September 22, 2019 2 comments

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