it's been a while since the last time I sign-ed up this account, cause really I haven't read a lot. I am enjoying my semester break - filled with HK/Chinese Drama and Running Man marathon which leads me to be in love with Chansung and Taecyeon at the moment.

anyways, I'm turning 21 today...omg I feel old, super old yet still single! :p if you've been following my blog since 5 years ago, perhaps you would remember the anxiety post that I posted two years ago.

Alhamdulillah, it can finally be overcome, reduced, slowly that I eventually know how to control myself. I am thankful that my heart has stopped palpating for no reasons and I don't depend on meds anymore. I even forgot when the last time I had one, alhamdulillah alhamdulillah!

Anxiety Disorder

I experienced myself admitted to hospital due to appendix a week before SPM and it was chaotic I tell ya! regardless, He made it easy for me to cover subjects that I have not yet finished memorized, it was indeed a blessing in disguise. I am not going to lie that deep inside I was worried what if I couldn't do well but Alhamdulillah everything went well that time, and that was 4 years ago. That was my part; written for me and different people go through struggles differently. Nevertheless, struggles are meant for us to learn because if we got it right instantly, we wouldn't get the chance to learn. Hence, it comes to patience and faith, I believe that they both work together in making us a better person. 

Whatever the future holds for you and us, bear in mind that everything happens for a reason. Indeed it is easier said than done. If only is that easy for us to accept, redha and move on but alas, life doesn't work that way and we all know that. If only He gives what we want promptly without having to work hard, then we wouldn't be able to learn something throughout our lives. The whole time I have lived for, there are countless misfortunes, adversity, tribulations, people come and go that I managed to pull it through. They have all shaped the person I am today.

Obviously, it takes me quite a while for me to digest my written fate. It wasn't easy though, for instance, I was on pills for two years due to anxiety, with a countless mental breakdown in between, yet my friends never left me and always be there for me. When I say always, I really mean it. I began to know who my real friends are. Although I decided to have a small circle of friends, at least I feel better and happier by letting only positive vibes inside. Of course, there are days I wonder why are we friends again? Honestly, there are so many things that I am thankful for and one of them is the friendships I have with my friends. I loved them so much that I never missed including them in my prayers.

Moving on, I hated myself because I didn't do well in SPM - hence I had to get my shit together and promised to score well in my diploma. The struggle that people didn't see is that I had to learn something that I never liked yet syukur Alhamdulillah I did well. He made it easy for me in completing my Diploma in Business Studies and again, I am taking something that I don't like. I went through a hard time in my studies and I don't foresee the future to be easy as I wished it would be. Help me go through this once again, ya Rabb. He knows what is best for me, and He knows myself better than I know myself because He is the Creator, Allah SWT. Permudahkan jalanku, Tuhan.

What I am trying to say here is that He is the One and Only - knows why you are placed in some displeasing situations that you wished if only it's not you that has to go through. There will be days you are high spirited to fight in lives, and there will also days you are just...weak and dusted! and that's okay because it is the part of the journey itself. Cry and let it all out because we are not superheroes, as we have feelings - despair, frustration, sadness, and how we pick ourselves and bounce back is all that matters, just as the Japanese proverb - "Nana korobi, ya oki"; "Fall down seven times, stand up eight". It means choosing to never give up on hope and to always strive for more. If there is only one thing that I could give to everyone on earth, that would be - hope.

Hope - itself is a strong word. However, have you ever wonder how one's life can change with hope. Hope to recover from illness, hope that a relationship would last, hope in having a better life, and hope that you'll do well in a presentation, all you need is hope. I believe with hope, even a tiny hope - can lead you in achieving your dreams. so, don't give up guys! No matter what life throws at you, you are capable of getting through, you got this! You have the ability to face it, deal with it, learn from it and grow from it. 

The older I get, the more I realize I just need the simple things in life. Having my family with me on every step of the way I'm taking, having good friends to always hype me up, having a healthy body itself makes me happy and thankful. Expensive things don't fancy me anymore like how they used to, hello I'm joking! They do...fancy me sometimes HAHAHA but as I am ageing, I am aware that materials, wealth, and fame don't give happiness and joy. Having a simple life with great company is all that matters now.

Throughout 21 years of living, I don't think I have contributed that much to society. I went for a Community Service in Cambodia back in high school, I swear to God, I need to do a lot of charity in order to keep myself grounded and humble! I went to feed those homeless people in KL with my friends, and I feel contented. By doing this, at least I get to reflect myself - just how lucky I am Alhamdulillah. I hope, one day this blog able to change one's life for the better, even it's only a person. Do include me in your doa.

“The love of Allah is a light that, if you are without it, you are in an ocean of darkness.” – Ibn Qayyim