Turn 19 today. I want to speak about me. I want people to understand or at least try to, that is all I ask. I am here to share regarding mental illness that I have been battling with myself, anxiety disorder.
It has been almost 2 years since I first knew I have an anxiety disorder. Semua orang ada anxiety kan, but mine yang sampai depends on medicines. I told my mum that I always feel anxious even though I didn't do anything and it got worse everyday. Masa tu habis SPM, so my mum brought me to see a doctor. It started when I knew that my thyroid was not imbalanced and that's where my anxiety came from.
Some people might think yang anxiety is normal, well it's not. You never know how we people who suffer from anxiety struggle every day. Constant worries. Constant fear. Constant feel as if I am never good enough.
I overthink.
Anxiety ni tak kelakar. I hate the fact yang when my heart racing and palpitating when I am not even doing anything. I would start breathing in short shallow breaths. I feel irritable and like I might start crying at any moment. Or even worse, I would feel as if I were going to die.
I obviously look OK on the outside, but my anxiety is wreaking havoc on the insides. Most of the time. I constantly have thoughts racing in my head, and they seem to have no end.
it is the voice,
that I wish could stop coming to me, stop choosing me because we don't choose to have anxiety but it chooses you. Anxiety chooses me.
There is always voice that lingers in the shadows of my mind just waiting in eager anticipation to watch me fail, doubt, question and it’s persistent.
While the other part of me stands for what I believe, I believe in myself. I know that I’m worth more than what I say to myself, but the fear of the inability to live up to it. I have to battle with my own self, my own mind.
Penat. Sangat penat.
It is an illness that makes me feel anxious and worried about everyday things or seemingly nothing at all. I can quickly get lost in my head: I’m worthless, no one loves me, I’m too much. These thoughts are often unrealistic.
I hate when I am not being able to fall asleep because I keep replaying the day in my head and what I should have done differently. I am not able to relax because I keep thinking about a mistake I made three years ago that only myself remember happening. It is the questioning of just about everything I do.
The voice,
It is the voice that wants me to expect the worst so I won’t feel disappointed later on. It is the voice that pre-empts outcomes before they have happened.
It’s walking into a room and feeling that every single person is staring at you and judging you for everything you’re wearing, everything you do and everything you say. Scared of being judged.
It is the voice that tells me to flee and protect myself at all costs. Yes, insecurities. It’s walking alone and feels as if someone is following you from the back. It’s my brain telling anything and everything is wrong and I have no idea why.
It’s noticing things that are out of order or out of place and if I don’t tell someone or fix, it will continue to nag you in the back of my mind for the rest of the day.
It’s shaking, standing up, sitting down, wandering, it’s never sitting still. It’s a fog inside my mind that’s impossible to clear no matter what I do.
However, anxiety and courage always exist together.
They have to. They better be.
I can’t get through day after day with anxiety blocking the path, without having the courage to help push a way through.
Courage comes when I don’t let anxiety to get in because I believe that I can do it. Tipu la cakap tak nervous kalau nak buat presentation ke apa, but if I don’t fight, if I let anxiety controls myself, it shows how weak I am. I am not giving up, I don’t want to give up but there are days that I want to give up because I’m too tired to handle with my own mind.
So far, I would end up doing my best. Alhamdulillah. However, once anxiety kicks in, it sadistically allows me to catch glimpses of myself that I am proud of, only to rip it away with a vision of how I will screw it up again.
It is the doubt beyond all measurable reason that I am not worthy of true happiness. Yet it taunts me with the thought that I am worthy too. It is the nervousness inside that I will fail again and again and again despite all my efforts.
Anxiety is all about being worried, actually petrified, for no reason at all. Is this good enough? Am I good enough? Have I done enough? Is that right? Be better, stronger, faster, smarter, prettier. It is also the people pleasing.
I wasn’t a perfectionist back then but I am becoming one. Perfectionism is not even cool at all. Menyusahkan adalah. Kalau boleh semua benda nak siapkan, termasuk kerja orang lain sebab nanti kerja dorang tak sampai dengan my expectation. However, it has driven myself to give my best in every single thing I do. Which means full marks for every task and assignment that are assigned for me kahkah over je.
Anxiety is also the sorry for not being enough and making mistakes.
For being too open and not open enough. For talking too much or not talking enough. It is sorry for all my actions I see that has never been enough,
it is the sorry for not seeing what others see in me.
There are days where the physical symptoms aren’t as present, I’m happy and not getting stuck in the thoughts that can often consume me;
but the next day I don’t know how I’ll ever get through this.
On my worst days, anxiety is this awful, uncomfortable feeling in my stomach, butterflies.
Do you know that thoughts that begin as little thoughts can change the entire day? For instance, Did I lock the door? I know I already checked, but am I sure? What if something happens to me and no one thinks to check on me?
It doesn’t matter how much effort is put into preparation; once there’s a worry, it can white-knuckle for grip.
Sometimes, I’d smile to cover up the real thoughts that fly through my head faster than I can interact with at times. Behind my smile and laughter includes intense frustration, nervousness, upset stomach, shaking, rapid heart rate, questioning, overthinking, over-everything.
Anxiety tells me to distance myself and run so I don’t hurt others or let others hurt me. It’s the knowing that I do have people who care but dreading the sadness I see in their eyes when they don’t understand the conversations that run riot in my mind.
To my anxious heart,
I’m sorry for saying the wrong thing will cause you to panic and worry.
I’m sorry your family doesn’t understand how the smallest things can leave you feeling terrified, overwhelmed and out of control.
I know you feel like a burden, like a constant target of worry for your friends and family.
I know you are embarrassed to explain why you are worried, anxious and scared because you know how ridiculous it sounds, but there’s no stopping it.
I know you over analyse every interaction you have, afraid you said or did something wrong.
Oh anxious heart, how I so desperately want to tell you and help you to be brave, be strong, but most importantly, to be still.
Anxiety isn't bad after all because it makes myself closer to Allah SWT. I am actually blessed to suffer from anxiety disorder because to think of it, if I were not to have one, maybe I wouldn’t be the person who I am today. Who knows?
I find myself the calmest person when I pray, recite al-Quran and whenever I see my loved ones happy. In a nutshell, people who have anxiety disorder have to fight with irrational thoughts that run through our minds, hence we need support from people around us, we constantly need positive vibes, we need someone to talk to regarding our worries and fears without getting judged, and of course, I happen to be lucky that I am able to control myself despite I have to depend on my pills.
And to anyone who is suffering the same thing like I do, you are not alone. We are in this together.
It is fighting and it is surviving. We have to be strong for ourselves and for those who care for us.
